勇敢

解脱- A Mei

"解脱 是懂擦干泪看以后 找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔 我总会实现一个梦

心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头..."

~ A Mei - 解脱

本来就是一场游戏。游戏里默默写着的规则，我没忘记。
心里偶尔也会有那沉重的伤感，但也默默渴望游戏不会结束。

但是，事实就是事实，再渴望，也是不会有任何的改变。

在你的未来里，我看不到，也感觉不到我的影子。

本来就是如此，不是吗？

在那无可避免的离别时，我希望我会有勇气对着这一个没有将来，但很美好回忆说的说："谢谢你。再见。"

离别时不再哭泣，不再伤感，不再渴望，也不在自私。。。

Feeling like winter in Summer

God knows what is troubling that confused and sad mind...
Only god knows because she doesn't know what is bothering that usual independent girl...when typing a blog feels like the tears are stuck behind the eyes.

Feel like crying but not sure what she's crying for.

Feeling useless, feeling definately less independent, feeling like a job didn't land on her hands like it should really be, feeling moody of her mood swings...One moment smiling and one moment worth smiling, she feels the opposite. Why does she feel like a breakup with herself?

Reading self help book is perhaps a sign that life needs some rectification and correction. Its time you need a book to remind yourself to buck up, and everything is not gonna matter one year down the road, so why bother getting all stressed about it. When you need a book to remind you that "snowball" effect of thoughts is really unhealthy and wasting alot of time stressing over it...

Buck up. Just Buck Up...Everyday...It will be ok...Someday, Someday...Someday winter would be over...

The flying chairs

She feels like she have been sitting on this flying chair for a long long time...
So long that she no longer feels the freedom, feels the wind in her hair, feels the amazing scenery.
But rather, she feels the bar holding her in the seat, feels the distance of the her flying chair to the next flying chair, feels the monotonous ride...

All that freedom and all that happiness is only so much without being able to collide and have a laugh, without being able to hold the next chair, without being able to talk to your friend flying on the next chair...

New Home @ Burj Views

Dear Folks!!

Finally the long awaited day has arrived!! Finally I'm moving out to a place to call our own in Downtown Burj Dubai with Xueni!

Thanks dear friends who helped with the moving since dearest room mate flew back to enjoy life. Ha, I'm enjoying too!

Thanks Kenneth for your car and help with moving.

Thanks Tim and Sue for your help in cleaning.

Thanks security guard who is wayyyy better than my soon-to-be ex apartment who doesn't even give a damn to you when he sees that your hand are filled with more than what you carry and he doesn't help to push open the door.

Its more than moving to a better environment, its about having a free space to ourselves with our own breathing space, our own place to care for and maintain.

It not done up yet, but progress is as important too....

On the day I arrive to take site measurement after work

Ken's car on Thursday IKEA Shopping
The Living/Dining Area
On Friday 4th Sept...Cleaning day!!

My imagination

Typing this is the middle of the night. She knows it well that she should go to rest. The body wants to rest, but the heart wants to stay awake to do more things, aimlessly.

It is one of those days that she wished the distance wasn't so far. She wish that she could finish work and head down for an aimless walk with him. The thought of walking down the street, just enjoying the company, even if there isn't much exchange of words, is simply heartwarming.

Somehow along the way, it seems that the perfect thought of the future never really comes to happen in real life for her. Well, of course there are moments that are more than what she can ask for, but human are greedy. The next time she's not ever gonna give up her annual leave. NEVER!! Just forget about what a fool she is to have given up. Damn it.

Somedays she wish she could just break the rules a little. But knowing the other half will not approve of it, she has to be obedient. Hmm...Well well..what can I say..Costly plan to execute and she is constantly reminded to spend wisely..But you know that there's some things that money could buy for you? Or should I say, money can exchange time for you, and maybe freedom.

If only I could spend the day with you. Like I've always wanted to. Guess that's why I'm made for who I am. Thank God that I'm created to daydream and imagine alot. Daydream and Imagine at work, and imagine my own fairytale, imagine going out with you, imagine being there with you in your every step. I wish I could have it realised than just purely imagining the best picture. Thinking too much sometimes hurt you on the inside. Especially when it is very simple to accomplish, but you seem to be the one whose not that ordinary.

Darling, I remember you and I definately miss you. Another 89days, 15hours and 56 minute is very long. I do have alot of imagined-plans.

Imagined being able to attend events with you.
Imagined spending a nice short holiday here with me, sightseeing, walking aimlessly...
Imagined being able to not hide from anyone about us..(which I'm very tempted not to hide anymore..)
Imagined going back home and go on a short trip nearby with you and my dear friends.
Imagined parents who accepted my decision.
Imagined if only I am courageable enough to admit to them.

Today was one of those days she remembered walking down the riverside and crying hard yet quietly on his shoulder. Today was one of those days she missed that presence so badly.

And on the other hand, she frustrated.
Some people should just mind their own business. We have no TV here, doesn't mean that your not-so-close friends can be your "celebrity entertainment news".
She felt being "supervised/watched/talk/thought about". She feels restricted, and definately provoked to display the rebellious side of her. Yes Love, I know you will always opt to go the other way of being in your own world and doing your own things. Yes, I want to but at the same time I wish people could just not talk. Its tiring to be wary of your surroundings, to be wary of your actions and words, to be wary of offending, to be wary of every single damn thing. Even wary of being seen walking out from office. I'M NOT A KID MUMMY!! And maybe because she's got enough of being wary of her actions, that's what tempting her not to hide him from anyone.

Goodnight world. Goodnight Love. Goodnight my friends.

Another Friday morning on 14th Aug

She's been not updating for a long time. She knows its. Maybe there's less things she's complaining about, since we have to admit that blog/journals are the little passageway that provides a little comfort to life.

In summery, life's been ok.

Yes, definately awkwards moments, like lesser talking to some people and more talking to another group of people. Drifting away from some and getting closer to others. But being here for about a year,(2nd Sept 2008,I landed in this city)perhaps, she's gotten used to the often changing politics/grouping of people. Something not that nice to happen, but maybe that's life and this trip here has taught her to see the world and the mankind a little bit more. Well, like I said, every bad things that happens in your life may not be that bad afterall :)

And, she's moving out to somewhere and hopefully we can secure the place. Somewhere we can call our own. And there's something about colleagues staying together. 1 year here and its has proven to be not that ideal idea because there's no break between office and home. Guess that's what we all need a home to go back to, to meet another group of people. Ok, not that she's staying out alone but yea..at least more private. Will upload more pictures of the moving house progress...and the cleaning and the moving and the fitting out works. Haha...Will have to move alone since my dearest roommate is going back SIN.

And yea, every thursday weekend, hopefully it stays the same. Having some nice dinner after work on Thurs evening and a little chilling session...guess makes life pass a little faster and less boring..Being someone who will sit infront of the screen waiting for something to happen...it definately helps alot to bring your mind somewhere else for a little break.

And leave's approved for end november till 20th December.
So yup...will wait for Nee to transfer some photos for me before images are loaded.

Little things

Hmm...
Little things here and there make your day a little bad. Its good now. But..well, maybe life is just like that...when something picks up, something goes down. Some little things become such an issue.

Some days she wonder if its gonna be lost one day. Some days she wonder if its becoming less exciting. Some days she wonder if she should suppress her thoughts. There's fear. Fear of change. Fear of becoming tired or becoming a very tiresome person. The past sometimes seems to haunt her. The past sometimes remind her of who she might become, or might seem to be to others. Maybe its the combination. Maybe there's no best combination. Maybe there's a factor of sacrifice to make to attain some good from it?

Keeping shut the best option? Trying to be understanding is the best option? What's the best?

1star shit

Yes, today's been relatively smooth sailing. Have learnt how to control her speech and action in the past 8 months...have to be ultra sensitive and ultra careful what you speak. Every word might get you into trouble, even the smallest, unimaginable issue.

And very delightful to have received a unexpected morale booster email (this is the plus point why today is less than 1 star shit).

Some times you know that some things are not possible because we are standing on a different greenwich meridian line. Yet, she didn't deny the power of imagination. It is good enough to bring you across the continent and accomplish it, in your mind.

Goodnight. Off the lights! Huggies!

Things she grew to hate

The Dubai Lesson: Going from dislike to Hate

One thing that pisses her off is when people don't talk with manners, put it in a simple term, being rude.

Being rude is one thing she wouldn't entertain...So no rude kids, no kids who misbehave...And she've noticed that she limit it to describing kids because most of the time, grown up have some manners. In this case, she's talking about a grown up. OLDER THAN I AM.

She hates rude reply especially when she tries to talk nicely to you though she's pissed off already. Enough said. Fucking rude...and it's pushing her limit. Not that she's got alot of patience, but she'll normally give face and she's been controlling her hot tempered way too much...and yet she's on the verge of sounding like something her mum would say:'You better talk with some manners before I slap you.'

She hates how she have to see other's mood to work. And bloody hell, this is not a farming industry!She's not a farmer and she doesn't have to rely on a bloody weather forecast to decide what to do with the day. Woman have PMS and are moody but hell no, I'm not talking about a woman here. I've never ever met someone who have 26days/mth PMS. Hello!! I'm a female and I don't think I've ever have such bad PMS as compared to alot of people, let alone you. And if you are really in a terrible mood in 26days out of 30days a month, shouldn't you have already learn some self control? And if you are in bad mood, you don't have to make everyone suffer like you do. (On another note, maybe that is why females are at times stronger than males? Because god decides that we'll get to suffer cramps monthly for 20+ years and yet we'll still need to carry on our daily duties as per normal. And because of that, we need to put up with people who try to make life difficult for you whether or not you are already super irritated by the backache and cramps. And yet at the same time, trying not to loose your temper at those bastards who never stop trying to make things difficult for you)
Work is work, your mood is none of her business because she's only here for work and how can you ever let your mood decides how people work should turn out to be? (Being a believer in you deserve what you get, being bad deserves no pity from her)
When you're in good mood, everything is ok and even if its not ok, you will source the answer out. But when your mood is bad, you done even bother to give an answer or, give a rude/crude fucking attitude/answer. And the point is, you don't have to do anything to offend the person. You can be ultra nice but it seems that the person can decide how to treat you by the mood he wakes up to...She's sick and tired of saying the word unprofessional.

Not that she's so perfect, not that she's not rude at times, not that she's sooo professional..
but just that I DON'T FUCKING OWE YOU A LIVING! No one in this world owe you a living. And no one is also responsible for your life (including your mood and tantrum and attitude). So kid, grow up!

And she dislike politics and lies (Worse still, stupid lies) White lies is never too much of a harm, that is what she think. However, to lie and think that people are stupid, and lying selfishly to benefit themselves is very disappointing. Very.

That's it. Enough of complain for the day, complain queen.

Thank you for her Takeshi's movie. Seeing your wit makes me smile like a crazy 6year old girl.
And thank you to her you-know-who-you-are for being way mature beyond your age. She can't help but always compare how much better you are. Everytime these shits happen, it always make her realise how indifferent you are and remind her of why she've always admire you, your attitude, your spirit, your temper..and the list can go on...and on...even your weakness is better than the other person's best (that's if she can remember your weakness)

Goodnight. Today has been a 8star shit. Let tomorrow be just a 1star shit.

Just a couple of lazy days...

And guess pictures will be left to speak of itself for the past 2 months...Summer is hitting the desert yet again...And time seemed to pass faster than expected. Half a year of 2009 is about to be up...and yet there's alot to catch up with...

Glad she's finally warming up to Dubai and making a couple of friends here, and meeting a few unexpected people here. Perhaps this is all that will make the Dubai Experience something worth remembering too...

Marina Barrage Picnic while she was back...

And this is last month's Jumeira Beach outing while the weather is still bearable...it would be long before we'll hit the beach again...40degrees and going up..

Signature

Handwriting VS Personality

"Those who write the first letter of the name followed by the surname and put dot or dots below the signature are very lucky. Such people take birth to reap the fruits of their previous birth. They are religious and soft spoken. They are very simple and sensitive. Hence they are very gullible. This is the only drawback in their personality. People who write their full name as the signature are very special. Drawing a line beneath the full name indicates their spirituality. They are full of zeal and they know how to use it best. They are very self-conscious. Whichever field they choose, they start innovating in that. Such people are far away from selfishness and egoism. They are very close to God. "

I wonder why.

Have you ever complained about the situation you are in, yet you know you are in a sitaution better than a few million people out there?

You complain about the colleagues you met at work, and wanted to quit your job because you couldn't bear the sight of them even for another day.Yet you know how fortunate you are as compared to the thousands out there have no colleagues to even complain about because they don't even have a job to start with to feed their family of few.

You question and often doubt yourself, with what you have, who you have. But for many others, they don't even have what you have to begin with. Some said parents aren't earning enough, yet there are a world of them out there whose parent's could not even afford to bring 3 meals onto the dining table.

And very often the case that a patient is fighting for his/her live, yet a completely healthy person choose to end their life.

Weird isn't it. No matter how poor you are, or how rich you are, how healthy you are, how sick you are, how fortunate you are, how unfortunate you are. We all have our own troubles and own worries.

Independence

Have you ever felt like you have been losing that sense of independence you always had with you?
Have you ever dislike that part in you that start relying on others?
Have you been starting to rely on others to make your days slightly better, or make you feel abit better?
Not a wise choice to rely on others. No?
Scary to let others determine your happiness. No?

While she always make it a point to be independant and happy, without letting anyone determine the way she feel, some days, she feels scared that she seems to be losing it...

She should never, ever lose it. Independance is of great strength to her,as well as a protective barrier to her. Where has the inner peace gone to?

Mel's stopover in Feb

24/04 to 04/05

Coincidentally, as she laid her work aside mentally for the day and wanted to fill another entry here informing about life and talking about going home, her manly Ipod sang

"Another summer day, has come and gone away.
In Paris and rome, but I wanna go home.
Maybe surrounded by a million people's eye
Still feel all alone, just wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know"

Yes the above is the date she'll be coming home. A short few days. She needs to get all these done:
-Check and get all certificates and result slips certified in TP if needed
-Install Norton anti-virus before anything bad happens to the first and new laptop
-Install Photoshop
-Buy/photocopy reference books
-Visit grandpa. Yes, she fought to get her leave approved earlier. Maybe Mak spoke something to Boss and it got into him

Not to mention meeting the angels. Would like to make a trip to Marina Barrage, get some tan and exercise by biking around in Ubin...Catch a movie or two..Have a peaceful night out in Dempsey, or perhaps somewhere of equivelent...

Being apart for a period does not kill. Yes, some days you might have forgotten how it feels to have someone dear physically next to you, till a point that it takes a few minutes to get back the same feeling after meeting in real time. Yes, some days you might be even relying on photos to keep them in memory. But somehow, time makes moments feel magical, and maybe less taken granted for. And maybe even makes one a stronger individual, maybe because there is no one to offer you a shoulder to cry on anytime you demand. And some times, you are let with no choice but to put up with whatever life throws at you.

Oh yes and on 12th March marks the 2nd year she's working in the company. Tons of ups and down, especially after we relocated to this desert. And surprisingly, she have been complaining and toying with the idea of quitting the job for 10months, and counting. Maybe it is due to the economic recession, and maybe it was the drive to save up for schooling expenses in the future..

Last week had been relatively calm, this week is midway through and she hopes that the week stays relatively calm too.

-Goodnight world. Goodnight Love. Goodnight Friends.-
May peace be upon us. Literally.

Leave delayed

I've been wanting to go home since end Jan when grandpa have stroke. But I was made to stay because projects is running. Now that march has arrived and it means I can go home because leave is unfrozen, I tried to apply for April. But again pushed to May.

Not that I cannot wait to go home, its not just about me. If there was no one else to consider, I would go home in May. But not everything is just about me, right?

Besides this. Work sucks as ever. Somedays I don't even feel like fighting anymore. I still do angry when people try to be funny and try to make life difficult. Somedays I wished I could just leave. Resignation Letter is in my drawer, typed and waiting for an envelop and handed in in May. Tendering in May and end of the year, in this times...make alot of difference to my savings. But somedays I just feel like going home, but somedays, this thought that after taking in all the anger for so many months, and we've survived it, what more if I just bite on and hold for another month, and another month...and another...

Just didn't know what I've signed up for somedays. Really. At this moment, I'm actually quite disappointed, which I should be angry but there is no point in getting angry because only I will feel the hurt more than those that hurt. Seriously. Why. If only everyone can be as good as...If only I can stop comparing...Everyone is not perfect, but being not perfect is one thing. Being selfish is another. I am..so...If I can make up my mind..really. I am only working for the money so that I don't have to suffer next time when I go to school, or just to lessen my financial burden for my family..But what is this shit that I have to put up with every single living day?

If only human heart is kind

If only. If only human does not excercise the little devil in them.

I am not born to entertained nonsense.
I am not born to be as benovelent as others.
I am not born just like others who can swallow their sadness and anger.
I am not born to love everyone.
I am not born to be bullied.

I am cold hearted, but events exploded recently and I realised that no matter how evil hearted I can be, I could only speak.
Blamed it on my guts.
Blamed it on me who cannot do something without my conscience.
Blamed it on me because I hate facing people with guilt and awkwardness even when what I spoke was the truth in total anger.

Some days this anger made me feel so much like crying out and screaming at them.
But blame it on my ego and belief that tears should never roll infront of your opposition.

As much as I believed that our life cannot always be pushed around by others.
Never have I felt so pushed around by others.
Never have I controlled so much anger.

Yes. I may be not the best kind hearted people. But it seems its been an eye opening few months for me.
I've seen how selfish humans can be. Til they forgot about others, just to acheive what they want. Maybe they have even forgotten that there are humans with feelings surrounding them.

I've seen how people cared about the small things in life, they forgot to see the big picture.

I've seen how people angered get carried away, that they forgot to see the white and black in life. That they forgot that there are someone kind enough.

I've seen how people are no better than the one that they are against.

For once, somehow I felt cheated. I felt like I've misjudged everything. Misjudge everything that took time to build, yet moments to destroy. I felt I was not being smart enough. But I was never that smart. Time are to be spent worth while, not analysing all these.

It has come to a point that crack lines will always crack lines. Some word will never be said anymore. Because you are unworthy of those words.


Love, I'm not sure how you can ever me kind to others, even if others are not kind to you. I'm not sure how is that ever possible. I'm not sure how that can inspire the person to pick up traits of you. I think much less of myself. I don't expect them to be like me. All I expect is to be kind. And I cannot imagine how you can possibly pray that they will become someone better someday. I don't think I can ever be like who you are.

And this is why I love you so. Some things others will never understand.

As much as I wished people would be like you. Mak have said,: "If every men is just like the other, that makes all of them redundant."

And I would never want them to be like you. You are special, just like that.


And I don't give a damn who reads this. Yes, I might just be speaking about you for the whole wide world to see...For I believe, there is nothing to be afraid off if I have spoken the truth and done no wrong.

Christmas Dinner @ The Palace Hotel and Drinks at Pool Lounge at The Address...

Fantastic weather with the right temperature in the winter and fog was amazing...And the dinner buffet was good. Snail Salad, grilled prawns, and amazing dessert...

Caught in between all those messy thoughts

To come back or not.
So many things that's running through the mind.
Money no longer seems tempting.
Happiness is what money can't buy really.
Money can't buy the less of tears, in fact, with the money, the tears fell more.
Money can't buy emotional motivation.
Money can't buy you harmony and peace.
Money can't buy you angels.
Money can't buy even a true smile on her face.

And she is purely just working for the sake of money for University allowance if she ever made it there...It was a just a simple intention. Yet what the simple intention turns out to make her life very very...unhappy to say.

Where Angels Are

Its good to be where "angels" are..

Those were the days where everything felt so right after so long.
Everywhere felt as familiar. The walk in the drizzle felt so natural, the smell of coffee, getting around in smaller roads amist all the cars in the over populated city, the sound of cards tapping in the buses and train station. All too familiar...

Movies was great though she fell asleep on and off..Walking in the night rain feels like second nature...Coffee at Starbucks just felt a world of difference..Japanese food at Paragon was fabulour with your bestie...Driving around with your girlfriend and having her stalling her car was funny...Basically..just being who she was...and who she is still, hopefully.

The feeling of being taken for who you are, is perhaps the best thing that can happen to her. Living for who she is, the freedom of speech, the freedom of emotions and expressions are what makes life alot much bearable, alot much happier, alot less tears, alot less frustrated, alot less anger and saddness and lonliness. Yes, she feels lonely too.

And being with positive people, or like-minded people, and most of all, these are the people who understands her like all she wanted to expressed are all written on her forehead and conveyed by just a look in the eye.

She didn't bear to leave for the fear of all those mixed feelings. Yes, she feels lonely too. Being alone and being lonely is different. She can be alone and very happy, yet these days it is fairly hard to. Somedays it felt like loneliness is slowly eating her, and often, by the thought of someone who understand, its hard to control the tears that are being contained. She couldn't be much happier anywhere else. And the flight back Dubai wasn't easy. Tears fell as soon as she manage to slip into her seat, and hearing the engine of the plane getting ready to take off, manz..it hasn't been as hard. So much of her felt like staying on, yet she can't. As the plane accelerates and took off and the city lights dimmed into the dark clouds, the tears just kept falling.

As much as she wanted to control her emotions..