Home sooner

Think she'll be home sooner than expected.

First it started with a realisation, followed by a strange and sudden thought that pops out from somewhere in her mind, and she gave that sudden thought a thought. And she was caught very much in a thought process. Days passed. Evaluation of the pros and cons of the decision and the current situation at hand. Withthe everyday thought of it, the more she felt like she should just go for it.

She knew she did not what to regret not trying hard enough. She remembered what Syafiq once said, "Its better to regret trying, than regret not trying at all." If she wants it bad enough, she know she will give it her very best. This very best needs time, alot. This best needs alot of concentration, therefore peace must be factor into the decision. There will be no time, and no peace if she stays on.

Money no longer seems as tempting. Something else is. Something else is definately better than office politics, better than trying to put on a smiling face and trying to manage all the hatred. And she definately have her own choice to make and own rights to transform a unhappy situation into a happier situation. She would rather be home and surviving on $300 a month off her savings, than earning thousands and never felt abit happier.

No, she doesn't know if life at home would be any good without money and eating into her savings. She doesn't know even if she could ever find a job in these bad recession time, especially for this industry.

But she knoes she doesn't like how unmotivated she is. She doesn't like how negativity is eating into the positivity that took her years to build up. She doesn't like how positivity has already been drained out from her. It is almost like everyday is a battle to stay afloat, to stay sane, to control her words and actions from the urge to give some a thrashing and a enjoyable leashing of the tension. No, some people never learn and never will, therefore there's no point in even trying to talk. Therefore if a thrashing were to happen, its basically to let out, not educate. No point trying to bleach a shirt that is already blacken and black. It will never be perfect colour. There will still be gray.

If giving up the money would get all these above exchanged, perhaps it is not too bad a consideration to make. The worse is when positivity is drained. Confidence, capability, independance, would all follow suit and be drained out. And back to basic is good at times. It makes you think back and realise what you have forgotten what you are actually working for in the beginning.

And in the beginning, she just wanted a enough paying job, but she wants to be able to take her job as a hobby. She wants to be motivated and be with positive people. Very simple, but like she always said, "very simple, but not easy to acheive."

She wants to be where the angels are too.

Christmas Dinner @ The Palace Hotel and Drinks at Pool Lounge at The Address...

Fantastic weather with the right temperature in the winter and fog was amazing...And the dinner buffet was good. Snail Salad, grilled prawns, and amazing dessert...

Caught in between all those messy thoughts

To come back or not.
So many things that's running through the mind.
Money no longer seems tempting.
Happiness is what money can't buy really.
Money can't buy the less of tears, in fact, with the money, the tears fell more.
Money can't buy emotional motivation.
Money can't buy you harmony and peace.
Money can't buy you angels.
Money can't buy even a true smile on her face.

And she is purely just working for the sake of money for University allowance if she ever made it there...It was a just a simple intention. Yet what the simple intention turns out to make her life very very...unhappy to say.

Where Angels Are

Its good to be where "angels" are..

Those were the days where everything felt so right after so long.
Everywhere felt as familiar. The walk in the drizzle felt so natural, the smell of coffee, getting around in smaller roads amist all the cars in the over populated city, the sound of cards tapping in the buses and train station. All too familiar...

Movies was great though she fell asleep on and off..Walking in the night rain feels like second nature...Coffee at Starbucks just felt a world of difference..Japanese food at Paragon was fabulour with your bestie...Driving around with your girlfriend and having her stalling her car was funny...Basically..just being who she was...and who she is still, hopefully.

The feeling of being taken for who you are, is perhaps the best thing that can happen to her. Living for who she is, the freedom of speech, the freedom of emotions and expressions are what makes life alot much bearable, alot much happier, alot less tears, alot less frustrated, alot less anger and saddness and lonliness. Yes, she feels lonely too.

And being with positive people, or like-minded people, and most of all, these are the people who understands her like all she wanted to expressed are all written on her forehead and conveyed by just a look in the eye.

She didn't bear to leave for the fear of all those mixed feelings. Yes, she feels lonely too. Being alone and being lonely is different. She can be alone and very happy, yet these days it is fairly hard to. Somedays it felt like loneliness is slowly eating her, and often, by the thought of someone who understand, its hard to control the tears that are being contained. She couldn't be much happier anywhere else. And the flight back Dubai wasn't easy. Tears fell as soon as she manage to slip into her seat, and hearing the engine of the plane getting ready to take off, manz..it hasn't been as hard. So much of her felt like staying on, yet she can't. As the plane accelerates and took off and the city lights dimmed into the dark clouds, the tears just kept falling.

As much as she wanted to control her emotions..

1st December

Counting down...Scary but very very very excited..8 days time!

Wanna go to :
-Hort Park
-Be brought to new places like the Marina..
-Re-visit the old Chinatown for food..
-and take a walk down Clarke Quay..
-..Sentosa..Henderson Waves in the night..
-Just anywhere..She'll be even happy taking the train..
-and yes,midnighte movies together..
-The usual boring esplanade..
-and meet with with people though though though..I just feel like being glued to..yes have to be fair..
-Japanese food!!Thai Food!!Ben & Jerry!!Starbucks!!
-Stock up on super duper nice drawing pens..

Manz all these feels like she need to run to get all these done.But yes,extremely happy to be back!!